Supreme Court Officially Kicks Off Campaign to Re-Elect Trump

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an impromptu press conference held Wednesday, Chief Justice John Roberts formally announced the Supreme Court’s re-election campaign for attempted fascist dictator, Donald Trump.

“I’ve been deeply concerned about recent accusations of impartiality,” said Roberts, while holding a Trump-branded lighter beneath a copy of the US Constitution.  “We need the American people to know exactly where we stand.  And that’s directly on their faces, while stomping.”  The Chief Justice then explained in detail how he intended to swing the election in favor of his most beloved rapist.  “More delays.  More denials.  More dubious decisions.  And if all goes according to plan: death to democracy.”  The Chief Justice then donned a “Trump Train” conductors hat, screaming ‘Choo-choo! Choo-choo!’ while dancing off the stage.  Neil Gorsuch, stepping up to the podium, quickly echoed his colleague’s commitment to despotism.

“Is the President of the United States meant to be a tyrannical dictator?  We can’t possibly know what the Founding Fathers would’ve thought about that.  So instead, we’re just going to hold off on that question until after Trump has absolute power.”  Gorsuch then unbuttoned his robes to reveal a tattoo of Trump’s face spanning his entire chest, and encircled with the word ‘LOYALTY.’  “Obviously, I can’t speak to whether we’ll succeed in this political ploy, but let’s just say that Putin won’t be the only one meddling in this year’s election.”

Further demonstrating their undying devotion to dictatorship, the Republican justices even announced plans for a nationwide tour, complete with celebrity endorsements and Trump-themed merchandise.  The tour (named "Justice for Donald") promises to deliver more of the same shameless corruption that the American people have come to expect from the only completely unelected branch of the federal government.

“We’re taking this show on the road!” shouted Antonin Scalia from behind a giant foam finger reading ‘TRUMP 24-EVER.’  He then listed off a series of rally dates, promising special guest appearances by Nazi propagandists, Russian oligarchs, and former child actor Scott Baio. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy about the court’s latest betrayal of the ideals upon which the United States was founded.  In fact, some critics have even criticized this recent decision. 

"It's like watching a kangaroo court comprised of actual kangaroos," remarked legal scholar Richard Posner. "Except all the kangaroos are also klansmen, and hell-bent on killing our democracy."  But with the Fox News disinformation machine swinging into overdrive, it’s hard to imagine such concerns won’t fall upon intentionally-deafened ears.

“Nobody wants to hear about ‘democracy’ or the so-called ‘constitution’ or whatever,” remarked Clarence Thomas while adjusting his MyPillow.  “That’s not what Mitch McConnell had in mind when he stole our majority.  And that’s not what my wife had in mind when she attempted to pull a Night of the Long Knives on the capitol.”

Taking her turn at the podium, Amy Coney Barrett elaborated on the concerns of her fellow confederates.  "Why settle for democracy when we can have the monarchal theocracy the Founding Fathers always intended?  For that reason, any ruling that could possibly hurt Trump has got to wait until after we settle more pressing matters.  Like whether sperm is people.  Or whether menstruation is a form of murder.”

Brett Kavanaugh (streaming live from the official Supreme Court suite at Mar-a-Lago) chimed in as well, agreeing that more pertinent questions needed answering before Trump’s verdicts could be determined.  “We still need to figure out if we think Trump actually committed insurrection.  And if he did, what can we do to help that insurrection?”

With their latest dive into the abyss of legal malfeasance, the Supreme Court further redefines the concept of “judicial activism.”  But whether the United States can withstand such a shocking assault on its democratic foundations remains to be seen.  Either way, though, one thing is for certain: if the Supreme Court has its way, then it certainly won’t.