The candidates stand in stark contrast on the issues, Harris defending universal healthcare, and a woman’s right to choose, while Trump says abortions should only be legal for “eights and above.”

Alito explained “when Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, there was so much respect for public officials that the man shot in the face apologized to him. Now, our social contract is so heavily eroded that I cannot even accept a trip on Lord Putin’s private yacht without the media asking a million questions.”

The Antichrist is a demanding job and many evangelists are now asking if Trump is up to the task. Republicans need someone who young Christians can look up to and say “yes, that is someone I can sell my soul to.”

“I am really angry at the left-wing media distorting my image as someone who hates all women. This could not be further from the truth; I only hate most women,” said Vance.

Not a lot of people know how to program a Stephanopoulos bot, and as such he is still sitting down in interviews non-stop asking if Joe Biden will resign. Meanwhile, Americans are doing the dangerous thing of going to social media and listening to live speeches of the nominee giving her unfiltered views.

“It is time for America to see how a real man grovels to a dictator,” said Donald Trump. “If I were president, I would give Brittney Griner, Evan Gershkovich and Paul Whelan back to Putin so America can see this deal done right. None of these wishy-washy alliances with European countries

The Washington Post stepped up for Trump with hard hitting articles like “the Democrats are united, why this is bad for Harris,” “Kamala Harris smiles too much, why this is off putting,” and “why having daughters does not make Kamala a mother.” Yet these efforts have not daunted Harris’ energetic campaign for the president and subsequent rise in the polls.

“Liberals will accuse me of being a wimpy little sissy with a humiliation fetish for letting Trump abuse my religion so blatantly” said televangelist Wally Wahlberg. “That outrageous behavior from the left is exactly why I will have to do everything in my power to punish them no matter how far it causes me to stray from the teachings of Jesus.”

“The Republican motto has been it is better to be a criminal than to be old. Having 34 felony convictions is what helped Trump look juvenile compared to Joe Biden.”

“This is exactly the type of hold no prisoners fuck you attitude that we love so much, brought to a whole new level” said vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance. “As an ivy league hillbilly from San Francisco this is exactly how I would poke the eye of the elites!”

“We fear our readers may go to alternative places like MeidasTouch, which is so bad at journalism they will carry the content of a speech. How can Biden not think of the poor reporters being left behind with his ruthlessly strong economy destroying our economic narratives.”

Calling for a presidential candidate to drop out ensures victory for the other side, and should not be taken lightly. The ensuing chaos and legal battles, which would follow, would ensure the party loses the general election. However, in this case the presidential candidate has been found guilty of rape, fraud, and election rigging.

This spells bad news for the Biden campaign as Republicans have begun attacking him as too weak to commit crimes.

Haley accused Trump of wishing to sell out America and destroy Democracy, whereas Trump claimed Haley was a potty mouth and that all her donors would be banned from his super-secret treehouse.

“He was so ball less I would come to his office just to fart and he took it. And I am not talking little girlie farts like my opponent sleepy Joe Biden. I am talking manly farts, so bad not even Melania could handle them.”

I let Joey handle my charity for kids with cancer and under him it ran so efficiently that we never paid a dime to children with cancer. That is the kind of accounting I can bring to the United States of America.