NYTimes Deploys 127 Journalists to Cover Joe Biden’s Age
Washington, DC – As the 2024 presidential campaign gets underway the NYTimes has prepared a crack team of political journalists all ready to tackle the hottest news story of our time, that of President Joe Biden’s age.
“Sure, there are other stories, like former president Trump’s rape trial, or fraud trial, the many insurrectionists going to jail, the war in Ukraine, and Gaza but this is the story of the century,” claimed an excited A.G. Sulzberger, editor of the NYTimes. “To be a fair and balanced journalist we cannot cover war or international news when there is a salacious story of an 81-year-old man who still shows up to his boring, administrative government job right here in our very own country.”
This amazing story remained Frontpage news on the NYTimes as of Friday, where it has run for 18 consecutive months. Currently, all 127 NYTimes journalists remain devoted to the story, examining every facet of the story and churning out as many articles as possible to provide full coverage of this continuing and harrowing tale.
“We make a point to ask about Biden’s age two to three times a press conference,” said journalist Ross Douthat. “With his dimming memory, we worry he forgets how old he is. There is no clearer sign we are getting to the heart of the story than his feeble attempts to distract us from his age by changing the subject. He keeps wanting to discuss the rapidly growing economy, his successful chip act, the war in Ukraine or the crazy thing Trump said about Mexican iguanas crossing the border to turn men trans. Those are not the stories we came to report on.”
The remarks by journalists and editors alike come at a sensitive time as many on the left have criticized the journal for lopsided election coverage. It comes on the heels of a survey showing a larger portion of NYTimes readers incorrectly answering basic questions of government like “Is Nancy Pelosi speaker of the house?” or “How many criminal and civil indictments is Trump facing in court today?”
“Of course, our readers cannot keep up with that. Sure, they would like to know if the Republican Party is owned by Russia, or which journalists will be executed first in Trump’s internment camps,” said Sulzberger. “Yet giving into what your readers want would be irresponsible journalism. We published a story claiming Mike Johnson is being blackmailed for accepting nude photos of Putin. It was a spy story of homo-eroticism, forbidden love, and war. Who would want to read that? So, we just made it a blurb for page D-14 of the better homes section.”
Whether Sulzberger holds up to his journalistic integrity remains to be seen. Meanwhile it is clear the story of Biden’s age is not going away as new developments keep coming up.
“I have an inside source that Biden is not planning on staying 81 forever,” said Ross Douthat. “There is a secret plan from the DNC to make him 82, even before he starts his second term. My informant tells me this will happen on November 20th, conveniently just after the election.”
