Two Weeks of Biden Competency Causes Media to Call for New Candidate
Detroit, MI – After a fiery campaign speech in Michigan following a successful NATO summit, news media has become desperate for worse candidates. After years of deadly competency damaging the ratings of a controversy-driven news media, Biden finally gave the pundits what they wanted: 20 minutes of a ghastly, stutter-filled debate performance, proving the old man narrative. Then, just like that, he took it all away.
“We should have learned when he went to a campaign stop that night at the waffle house, and did a mega rally in North Carolina the next day that it would have been a fleeting moment for us” said Matt Murray of the Washington Post. “Yet none of us were ready for the relentless and unwavering competency that the Biden campaign returned to. So what exactly are we supposed to do here?”
After the debate, legacy media went all out tearing the president down, but to little avail. The raging economy, strong wage growth, success against inflation, turning back Putin’s invasion of Ukraine, and the ability to take on China and OPEC was not supposed to mean much compared to a 90 minute debate performance. Yet somehow, the narrative has changed again.
“In the two weeks since the debate Biden went on 12 campaign events along with interviews that Biden handled very well, even when it was just George Stephanopoulos repeatedly asking the question ‘are you old’ over and over again for 30 minutes straight” said Mark Thompson, CEO of CNN. “Our viewers were beginning to tune out for questions they are not supposed to ask, like what is project 2025 and what was Trump’s relationship with Jeffry Epstein.”
“This never would have happened if Trump was actually running his campaign. Back when Hillary was running, we could play empty footage of Donald Trump’s podium so no one listened to her. With Donald Trump in hiding, we did not even have that. We finally made the mistake of actually letting our viewers listen to Biden.”
Mark Thompson here referred to the airing of Biden’s NATO news conference, in which their own senior citizen focus group praised Biden, along with his fiery speech in Detroit.
“For a minute we were excited when Biden accidently introduced Zelensky as Putin” said Joseph Kahn of the NYTimes. “But then he immediately caught himself, made a joke and moved on. Do you know how humiliating and clownlike it felt to have to run with this as our only clip? Especially when anyone who listened to Biden heard him call our man Trump Putin’s puppy? We fear our readers may go to alternative places like MeidasTouch, which is so bad at journalism they will carry the content of a speech. How can Biden not think of the poor reporters being left behind with his ruthlessly strong economy destroying our economic narratives.”
The situation became even more dire for journalists after the shooting at a Trump rally on Saturday. After the shooting Biden reassured the media through two different speeches, called for calm and a toning down of the dangerous rhetoric, while Trump went golfing and made no verbal statements.
“Where is the drama?” asked Bret Bauer of Fox News. “Joe Biden briefed the press calling for a cessation of political violence and even had a civil conversation with Trump. When Paul Pelosi was attacked Trump blamed the homosexual agenda and called for more violence. That is drama, that is something the American people can sink their teeth into. We need a better candidate for the ratings!”
The prospect of better ratings for the president seems bleak in light of Biden retaining over 90% party support with the fierce backing of all congressional leaders, and a near-unanimous support of elected officials, but it has not dampened the spirit. Media and wealthy elites have found no shortage of former sports newscasters, actors, and Republicans eager to be on TV to call on Biden to drop out.
*Photo is a Seahorseshoe original from Biden’s Detroit rally (thank you Pavan Vangipuram)
