Unseen Specter of Dark Brandon Declared Winner of Republican Debate
Milwaukee, WI – The first Republican debate was held Thursday August 23rd. Although pundits may be trying to spin their side of the story there is no doubt the debate was won by one man, who although not at the debate, had their presence felt in the eye of the media. That winner was the unseen specter of Dark Brandon.
“This should have been predictable” said political pundit Ed Johnson. “We have Republican candidates deeply out of touch with the average American all trying to outdo each other to play to the extremists of the base. Meanwhile each candidate saw it as a personal goal to suck up to the one man too cowardly to attend in a misguided hope at courting his sycophants. With this setting the Republican Party had no chance.”
Temperatures were high as a sweating Doug Burgum R-ND saw his talking points of growing up in small town America engulfed by the one upmanship of Hutchinson and Ramaswamy. Hutchinson bragged about laying off and reducing employment in Arkansas but was one upped by Vivek Ramaswamy bragging about being such a kiss ass that he could suck both Putin and Xi Jinping’s dick on the same day. A contest that would only deplete Republican energies while the mysterious flames of Dark Brandon’s power crept across the walls of the debate.
The shit talking did not remain with only those two. Ron DeSantis intensified the attacks. “As Americans we are so pathetic, so bad, so terrible as a nation that we must stop helping Ukraine. We must sell Taiwan to China, and we must invade Mexico” yelled DeSantis. “Too many Americans have died and I believe that for every three Mexicans we kill one American will feel better enough about themselves to quit doing opioids.”
As the rage continued occult specialists could see the raging fire as an ascendent Dark Brandon consumed the room. A visibly shaken Nikki Haley tried to cool the temperature of the room and bring the party to sanity reminding participants that Putin is an unapologetic murder who had killed a rival in cold blood earlier in the day. However, calling on Republicans to be their best selves had little effect as the candidates mocked her one by one for her law-and-order stance.
Afterwards the candidates turned their eyes back to the US where after admonishing the phrase “defund the police” they discussed which law enforcement agencies they wished to eliminate. They wished to lock up all prosecutors who would dare prosecute Donald Trump or any other Republican. Only Christie and Hutchinson could stand by the notion that Republicans should actually obey the law instead of letting right wing thugs run freely through the streets. Although the transcript remains unclear. Hutchinson could not be heard over the boos of the audience, the cackling noise of the symbolic fire burning down the heart of the party of Lincoln, and the trans dimensional laugh of an emboldened dark prince wishing to save the spirit of America.
The only relief from the burning room came in the last question. The question was personally addressed to Gov. Chris Christie and asked if he would reveal files the government has on extraterrestrials to the American people.
“I cannot believe this is addressed to me” said Christie, acknowledging it as the most serious moment of the Republican debate. Christie then used the moment to mock the notion of teachers unionizing.
