Before Hunter: A History of Republican Penis-Probes
As the House of the Representatives focus all their resources on investigating the president’s son’s penis for the seventh time, many Americans are left wondering about the priorities of the modern Republican Party. It’s not common knowledge how the GOP evolved into what it has become: a community accelerating religious decline, embracing compulsory hypocrisy, internalizing totalitarian rejections of truth itself, and, as Newt Gingrich once so famously put it, ‘a political party wherein cock is king.’
“It all started with FDR and that fat-ass juicy ham of his,” says Republican strategist Lipton Moore between the stalls of a public restroom. “Franky swung that beefrod like it was nobody’s business, and you can’t just expect conservatives to ignore that.” After multiple flushes, Moore summarized a concise history of his party’s fascination with leftwing genitalia. “President Johnson was required to show all Republicans his hog on a regular basis, maybe even when he didn’t already want to. And a decade before that, Senator Joe McCarthy spent a whole month accusing President Kennedy’s penis of Marxist sympathies. Which I will remind you: he neither confirmed nor denied.”
But the Republicans’ dong-worship is the worst kept secret on Capitol Hill. What worries Moore more are the ways in which the GOP’s preoccupation with Hunter Biden’s penis could ultimately blow up in their faces.
“In ‘94, we got so distracted by Clinton’s flopping shlong that we failed to see the big meaty shaft right under our noses,” says Moore, presumably speaking in metaphor. “I made a promise to myself then and there that I would never take my eyes of the balls again. And in more than one sense, I haven’t.”
But not everyone agrees that the Republican Party’s latest penis-probe runs the risk of disaster. “You know, I don’t recall what month it actually was, but I just refer to it now as ‘Cocktober,’” said disgraced former mayor Rudy Giuliani to a crowd of strangers outside a liquor store on Friday. “It was really that good. We got the call about Biden’s kid owning a laptop. And then we got that freaking hard drive, which had everything we could need for the campaign. I mean we’re talking headshots. Scroteshots. There were pics of Biden’s boy’s whole gooch-seam right there in crisp HD. It was like a renaissance painting, you know. I only wish Reagan could’ve been there to see it.”
But despite most voters making peace with the GOP’s costly cock infatuation, the Hunter Biden penis-probe marks a surprising shift towards the penises of Democratic family members. “Some will tell you that Joe’s porksword’s simply too old, but it’s a little more complicated than that,” said Senator John Cornyn at a press conference on Saturday, joined by his wife and children. “Others will say Hunter’s meat was just too meaty to pass up, and that’s probably closer to the truth. But as for me? Well I just think this is where the Party of Lincoln is at this moment in history. Obsessing over the president’s son’s porksword. Just like Lincoln always wanted.”
