Swing State Republican Decapitates Veteran, Eats Baby, Remains Tied in Polls
DOOR COUNTY, Wis. – As the American news media prepares to create another catastrophic election year, one county in Wisconsin is facing a somewhat unique predicament. The local Republican candidate (whose name shall remain anonymous out of respect for their campaign) allegedly beheaded an elderly man, then allegedly consumed an entire human infant, all according to a slew of eye-witness accounts and several extremely graphic video recordings. Despite what many are calling a ‘clusterfuck of a shitshow,’ the race remains tight.
“It’s a witch hunt,” said the Republican candidate’s campaign manager at a joint funeral held for the victims last Tuesday. “Which is even worse, because witches are actually real, so they’re not even hunting the real witches that they should be hunting. It’s like a sick joke. But I guess I missed the punchline. Just like how we’re all going to miss Jeff and that baby or whatever. Let us bow our heads in prayer.”
Fox News’s Sean Hannity even made a special appearance, warming up the crowd by reminding them that this was certainly the result of a vast global conspiracy against white people. “Now am I claiming to be 100% sure that the Democratic Party and all of its representatives and voters are solely responsible for what happened to Jeff and that baby or whatever? Of course not. Because I’m 1000% sure.”
In several high-resolution clips shared on social media, the unnamed Republican candidate can be seen allegedly engaging in a variety of scandalous acts, including but not limited to: arson, battery, cannibalism, homicide, bestiality, and (perhaps most damning of all) claiming that Joe Biden won the 2020 US presidential election. One might think it’s almost enough to make the campaign worry, but Wednesday’s polls tell a very different story.
“Voters literally could not give any of their shits,” said the campaign’s senior analyst before making a snorting sound. “I mean sure, our guy said that awful bit about 2020, which I will not repeat here, but if anything, the rest of that stuff is a net positive. ‘Real’ Wisconsinites appreciate his passion, and are far more concerned about ‘real’ issues, like whether or not that vet had voted for the Demon-rats before, or whether that baby was even American. But this so-called ‘scandal?’” He snorted again, then made a fart sound with his mouth. “If anything, our opponent, Erin Crenshaw, located at 104 North Henaker Street with her spouse and two children, should be the one that’s really concerned this week.”
Editor’s Note: The Seahorse Shoe pledges to maintain journalistic integrity, holding both sides accountable in our coming fascist dictatorship.
