Bigfoot Reemerges to Regain Stolen Identity From George Santos
Recently, Bigfoot was spotted walking near the train tracks by Narrow Gauge near Durango, CO. Seahorse Shoe authenticated these claims and rushed to the scene to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious half man, half animal.
“I wished to remain in hiding, but for sometime, George Santos has been taking out credit in my name. Recently, I have appeared to the public only as a last attempt to regain my lost identity from the elusive congressman” said Bigfoot. “It all started because of my wild college years, I would travel to Brazil where the local drag circuit greeted me as the perfect bear and called me daddy, instead of the hideous thing behind the dumpster. No one was going to put me into a zoo cage, well except when I asked, but that was a different story.”
Mr. Foot explained that when he got into drag, he met the legendary Kitara Ravache, now known publicly as George Santos. This tidbit was one of the many secrets discovered about Santos’ past shortly after his election. Since a night he cares not to remember, Bigfoot claims he lost several pieces of identification and did not think anything of it until someone kept taking credit cards out in his name. Bigfoot believed he might never be able to stop the perpetrator until this year when he recognized Kitara Ravache as none other than Santos himself, live on TV.
“Sure, George Santos tries to claim Kitara Ravache was never really a thing, but I would recognize that smug face and interest in spare US social security numbers anywhere; I mean he was my Dragmother,” he said. “After that I knew I had to find him, and it may sound silly but I looked him up and his name popped up in a residency in Colorado.”
The residency referred to belonged to none other than GOP congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-CO). She explained the snafu thusly saying “oh yes, one of those funny stories really. I went out with Rep. Santos and he introduced me to his drag bar owning friend after my divorce. A few drinks later, I discovered Santos’ name on my house where he had taken out a mortgage. Like he thinks he can do anything crazier with my credit than I ever could. I said go wild! Ever since, there have been a nonstop stream of drag queens, swindled donors, and even a Loch Ness monster that came looking for him here. I mistook Bigfoot for my ex-husband Jayson and invited him in for a drink. Only when trying to reach under his drag did I realize something seemed a little different.”
Bigfoot responded, “ah yes, quite embarrassing. I really had to explain to Boebert that I don’t swing that way and was really worried about all the press I might get. I still strive to be an elusive hidden animal like Santos.”
When asked about his search to regain his identity from Santos, Bigfoot had this to say “I really would like to confront George Santos but he has become one of the most elusive people in Washington. When I arrived in DC to locate him, I merely found an exasperated Kevin McCarthy wandering around Santos’ neighborhood.”
When reached for comment, McCarthy (R-CA) said he is never letting George Santos see his credit card again “unless maybe he would consider voting for me for speaker, if I was ever wanting to be speaker again. Of course I would not though. Worst job in the world… but do you think they want me back yet?”
