Chicago Voted ‘Worst City’ by City-Haters Monthly

Chicago, Illinois is home to revolutionary architecture, scenic lakeside vistas, and world-class metropolitan amenities, but these are only some of the reasons it tops this year’s list of ‘America’s Worst Cities,’ as voted on by the readers of City-Haters Monthly.

“Hating cities is my entire personality,” wrote one city-hater on the City-Haters website.  “If you’re just now getting into hating Chicago, you’re way behind the times.  Chicago’s been the main focus of my Urban Hate Sessions since at least 2015.  I’ve trained myself to vomit at the mere sound of the word.”

With hate-praise like that, it really is no wonder that Chicago dominated this year’s list.  From its many historic sites to its modern technological marvels, America’s Second City has long inspired nauseating hatred from angry people who do not live there.

“I’ll always have nostalgia-hate for the Pacific Northwest,” wrote another hate-filled user in the City-Haters comment section.  “[B]ut the hate-tingle I get from pics of sunsets over the Chicago River, or like a pair of seagulls quietly soaring through the downtown Loop…  I am not kidding you – it literally causes me to vomit.” 

And they’re not alone in their glowing condemnation.  “When you hate Minneapolis as much as I do,” wrote MinneapolisHater69, “it’s hard to find room in your hate-heart for a different American city, so I’m only just now coming around on Chicago, but WOW.  I never knew I could hate like this.  I haven’t puked yet, but we’re definitely getting there (fingers crossed).”

For others, though, sustaining a gut-turning hatred of Chicago is already a lifelong commitment, and one based in deeply-held personal convictions.  “My brother said he went to Chinatown one time and the robot that cleaned his dishes at the conveyor-belt sushi place was really really sassy to him.  He said it was probably a gay.”  Another passionate hater wrote: “I saw a comedy show but the comedian wouldn’t even let him talk over her.  What the actual fuck.”  But for some, the scars run even deeper.  “Lincoln Park might have Pequod’s Pizza and a free zoo, but my wife has repeatedly stated that it will never replace me.”

Accounts like these abound, but not necessarily everyone who loathes American population centers agrees with the Windy City's status.  “Chicago’s been a game-changer, sure,” says City-Haters Monthly senior editor, Simon Whinier.  “But that doesn’t mean it deserves all the hate it gets.  For instance, I am told that if I go there, I’ll have to change my genders and become gay, lest they murder me for being white.  But that can be said with a perfectly straight face about any of the communities wherein most Americans reside.”

Still, despite these reservations, even the staunchest holdouts are finding themselves drawn by Chicago’s repulsive allure.  “I’ve spent the last nine years listening to a man yell at me about how Chicago’s going to steal all my money and murder my family on a daily basis,” wrote WhitePrideFarts6969.  “I’m not saying it’s true, you know, but at a certain point, it really does make you wonder…”

Editor’s Note: Chicago has been voted ‘Worst City’ by the readers of City-Haters Monthly every year consecutively since its founding.