“We Never Would Have Demanded a Ceasefire if We Knew Biden Could Achieve it” Confesses News Anchor

Washington, DC – It has become a dark week for news media as positive stories have overwhelmed current events, leaving anchors stranded as they devise strategies on how to avoid positive coverage. Most fundamental has been the release of hostages in Gaza as part of a ceasefire agreement between Hamas and Israel brokered in part by President Biden.

“It has been hard to avoid the ceasefire,” says anchor Kevin Fulton. “After spending weeks demanding the president creates a ceasefire and release of hostages, it becomes much harder to ignore the story. This one is on us, who would have thought we could underestimate him on yet one more standard. My audience should know we never would have demanded a ceasefire if we knew it was achievable.”

Activist David Bitterman saw few problems with this reality. “Just because Joe Biden achieved a seemingly impossible goal does not mean we need to start crediting him. I will not rest until Joe Biden has brought every Palestinian back from the dead, and apologized to each and every one of them personally. If the news media does not know how to make these demands, then they prove themselves to be a puppet of the big corporate funeral home industry.”

If there had been merely one story for news media to avoid it would have been simple. However, the media was devasted by a torrent of positive holiday stories showing the president to consistently overachieve all expectations. Inflation is at its lowest point, wages are up, and the US economy is outpacing China’s for the first time in over 50 years, making it tough for news networks to earn followers from the doom and gloom of the headline. The president even provided personal cheer, disappointing the news agencies more as he went on polar ice dives, was seen smiling with a newly bought book, and discussed some of the young children released by Hamas in his press briefings.

“This cheerfulness is unpalatable,” said David Zaslav, president of Warner Brothers. “We know full well Americans tune in the most when they are too depressed to go outside. It makes the holidays a tough part of the year and even worse when a president won’t humor us doing such a bad job that Americans fear for their safety.”