Congress Refuses to Testify In Front of Hunter Biden

Washington, DC – In a stunning turn of events, Republicans shutdown the investigation to avoid testifying in front of him. This situation came as some surprise as the investigation has already gone on extra months, producing 820 hours of congressional testimony, 40,000 pages of reports, and spawned at least 37 Republican Only Fans accounts. Despite this, no indictment has been announced.

“Since Republicans have been so obsessed with me, I thought maybe it was time to let them meet me in person” claimed Hunter Biden. “Yet, the moment I said I would come to congress they all ran for the hills, some of them yelling about the ‘big dick’ is coming.”

“This was all rather embarrassing,” said Representative Jamie Raskin. “The floor of Congress has been littered with nude Hunter Biden pictures while erotic fanfiction of him gets read on the floor of the house. I always thought it was below Congress, now that Republicans finally get to meet their hero they all flee town.”

Although no Republican remained to witness Hunter’s appearance, several requested behind closed door visits from Hunter. However Hunter’s lawyers said all actions from Republican congressmen should be kept in public so no one can make indecent claims later on.