Donald Trump Attacks Michael Cohen as “Someone So Corrupt He Used to Work for me.”
New York, NY – Trump’s election fraud trial continues on Wednesday as Michael Cohen testifies in court. Ahead of his testimony the full Republican congressional delegation took a break from their job of refusing to pass legislation to attack Cohen on Trump’s behalf.
“Micheal Cohen is a two-bit criminal infamous for fixing the books, stealing documents, and hiding the truth” said Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA). “We know this from a full decade of his insatiable lust to do any immoral deed that would satisfy his boss Donald Trump.”
“Did you know he paid off a porn star to keep an extramarital rape secret before an election?” asked J.D. Vance (R-OH). “Any man with this horrible of a moral compass should not be trusted anywhere near the White House.”
Although numerous Republicans have come forward to tarnish the reputation of Trump’s former top lawyer no individual had harsher words to say than Trump himself.
“Michael Cohen was the absolute worse, most awful, and despicable lawyer I ever had. Someone so corrupt he use to work for me. I told him no e-mails, e-mails are like paper and people record paper, like Tweets, not something you want. He was so ball less I would come to his office just to fart and he took it. And I am not talking little girlie farts like my opponent sleepy Joe Biden. I am talking manly farts, so bad not even Melania could handle them. He would just keep wrinkling his nose pretending he didn’t notice anything just to get my approval. Worst lawyer I ever had, he even told a court about when I hired a porn star who looked just like my daughter.”
After his rambling speech Trump proceeded to court where he pulled the power move of falling asleep during Cohen’s testimony. He even had to be prodded awake by his lawyer to keep him from snoring while Cohen talked about losing his house to cover Trump’s own gambling debts.
President Biden could not be reached for comment. He was touting his enormous economic growth with the strong return of manufacturing jobs at a newly opened factory in Wisconsin. He attempted to evade reporters’ questions by discussing the ultra-low crime rate and other stories too boring for us journalists to give a shit about.
