Thoughts and Prayers Nominated as Speaker of the House
Washington, DC – With crisis after crisis piling up, congress has remained crippled by infighting resulting from having no speaker of the house of representatives. The infighting has prevented budget impasses from being addressed and has kept the US government on uncertain ground with their allies. However, house Republicans believe they finally have a solution, nominating thoughts and prayers to speaker of the house.
“We were in a real logjam choosing a speaker. Then the crisis in Israel really gave us new urgency” said speaker pro tempore Patrick McHenry. “We kept having the problem that no matter who we would vote for as speaker they would always be imperfect, so we decided not to vote a person, but instead vote for thoughts and prayers. With this we can resolve all of our problems, from terrorist attacks in Israel, to budgetary battles on the house floor, to Ukraine not giving into Russia.”
“It is a real shame that Democrats not voting to roll over and give us more votes caused this dysfunction in the house” said representative Tim Burchett, one of 8 Republicans to vote against McCarthy for speaker. “Now we can show them, such a powerful solution we might be able to pray Democrats away.”
Although the proposal is likely to unite Republicans in the house, the same enthusiasm is not seen in the senate. No senate Republicans came forward to support the nomination and Mitt Romney even went so far as to criticize it. “At a certain point Americans are going to want real solutions to what will be real problems. When the house cannot pass a budget, Republicans will not be able to pray away the shutdown like we pray away school shootings. For the good of our party the house should come up with the appearance of a solution or we will have difficulty blaming dysfunction on Democrats.”
When asked if Democrats regretted not giving McCarthy their votes, they stood their ground. House minority leader Hakeem Jeffries responded “I have no regrets. Many of us listened to Kevin McCarthy and asked what would be on the table if we were going to have a bipartisan leadership agreement. McCarthy was clear telling me we would get nothing, he would backstab us to our face, and that he was determined to fuck us over every chance he could get. I thanked for his honesty, he has a real commitment to screw over everyone and everything and I admire how persistent he is in seeing it through.”
When asked what he thought of the nomination President Biden said the following, “As an ardent Christian who goes to church every Sunday and prays daily, I have to say I do not think the Republicans have an idea about how prayer and God work. The United States will soon need real action on our urgent matters.” Then a gleam came to his eyes, and before he left the room he said with a smile “but one thing I do agree with them on, their problems are above my pay grade.”
