Senile Press Corps Continues Attacking Joe Biden for his Age
Washington, DC – It has been one month since Joe Biden announced his resignation from the 2024 presidential race. Yet many in the White House Press Corps cannot digest the news. Peter Baker, of the 173-year-old NYTimes, could barely keep up as he was seen meandering, lost in the hallways, muttering to himself in disbelief “who is brat? and why should she be president?”
Likewise, most media heads have been unable to make the transition.
“After spending many years training our old news anchors to singularly attack Joe Biden, non-stop, it becomes hard to transition them to something new,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “Not a lot of people know how to program a Stephanopoulos bot, and as such he is still sitting down in interviews non-stop asking if Joe Biden will resign. Meanwhile, Americans are doing the dangerous thing of going to social media and listening to live speeches of the nominee giving her unfiltered views. Please, wait until we can recalibrate before exposing yourselves to unedited public speeches!”
Bob Iger referred to a tendency popular with young voters of going to social media, and listening to candidates themselves. Democrats have relied on this wholly irresponsible tactic to align behind a previously unknown Kamala Harris as the Democratic nominee, instead of allowing news agencies the decency of a drama-filled primary. This took the press off guard. 70% of journalists did not know there was a presidential plan of succession, including 95% of journalists who called for Biden’s resignation.
“We tried to talk ordinary names, like Kennedy with ordinary initials, like RFK” explained Lester Holt. “Yet this internet thing is talking about Kamala, whoever that might be. They claim she holds the title VP. Where do they come up with this stuff?”
This woman has shown up to speak at Democratic events. Some say her name is Kamala, others say it is Harris. We report, you decide.
As cable news asks if Biden will resign from the presidency, they have slowly pivoted to asking ‘who is Kamala Harris?’ This candidate has remained an enigma. Rumors are she has a good relationship with Biden, perhaps having worked with him in the past, possibly having helped push his successful economic policies, and might even have cast tie breaking votes in the senate for his agenda. Until these answers are known, the press feels determined to ask non-stop, who is Harris and does she have any policy? Does she believe it is good to have healthcare? Are zombies a threat? And is the stock market real?
Meanwhile, younger Americans weighed in.
“Many Americans are feeling fed up with the media. Kamala Harris has spent three and a half years as vice president and the press has claimed not to know anything about her thoughts, actions, or policies. How do they even have a job?” asked Arizona voter Katie Sanderson.
