Speaker Mike Johnson Demonstrates Commitment To Investigating Hunter's Johnson

Last week, Speaker Mike Johnson appeared on Fox News with Sean Hannity for an exclusive, intimate interview to lay out the Republican agenda for this term. During this interview, Johnson tried to explain away his past homophobia as not something sincere, but merely a momentary distraction.

“Listen, we have President Biden laying out on the beach with his incredible tan and suddenly I felt I had to talk about bestiality on my website. I promise that, as speaker, I won’t focus on trivial issues like LGBTQ+ rights,” Johnson said. “On top of that, seeing the photos of Hunter’s meaty, girthy, perfectly huge cock made me absolutely disgusted. I had to study them for hours just to see if there was any evidence in the photos that could lead to his arrest.”

Hannity praised Speaker Johnson’s efforts to get to the bottom of the “Biden crime family,” complimenting his complete and total commitment to the case. “It takes true focus to spend so long observing the available pictures, especially when those pictures are so grainy you cannot even make out the veins in his rock hard cock.”

“I am committed to this investigation hence why the photo of Biden on the beach is my phone background. I just never want to forget how angry it makes me when I look at it.” Johnson said stoically. “I also have reasons to believe that the absolute unit that Hunter has could make him a domestic terrorist. I mean, I’ve never seen a cock like that in my life… I mean not that I have seen any other than my own but still.”

After Johnson began to sweat and adjust himself in his chair, Hannity asked him if he was okay. Johnson replied that he was just “passionate” and so “fired up.” He then asked his crew if they had any lotion and excused himself to the restroom for about five minutes to freshen up. When he came back, he looked much more relaxed and said “sorry for the dismissal, just needed a moment to uh, cool myself off.” Hannity applauded.