Ted Cruz Mysteriously Missing As Dark Brandon Demands Virgin Sacrifice

Washington, DC – As congress reconvened on Wednesday there has been a noticeable absence from a highly vocal senator. Ted Cruz has been missing from the scene in contrast to his normal fiery content.

“He had a speaking slot on today’s commerce bill and we really expected him to come out for family values” said fellow GOP Senator Lindsey Graham. “Although you never know with Ted Cruz, he could always be on a new adventure, seeing the Bahamas or visiting a Texas oil rig.”

When contacted about the mysterious absence his office had little to add. “Look, as his assistant I wish I could say that he stayed to his schedule, made his appointments, and let us know where he was but that is simply not his way. He did not tell us when he went to Cancun.”

Although a one-day unexplained absence might not normally be noteworthy, it has caused speculation due to recent announcements made by Dark Brandon. On Tuesday, Dark Brandon called for a virgin sacrifice ahead of this year’s budgetary discussions with the requirement that it be paid by the Republican Party. A bounty which sent a shiver down the back of the Republican members of congress where a spine should have been present. Rumors that the two may be connected has run rampant through insider circles.

“In today’s political environment it is not surprising that Dark Lord Brandon may have called for a virgin sacrifice. What is surprising, is that he has called on the Republican Party to provide the virgin sacrifice. This shows a level of confidence that Dark Brandon would not have exhibited one year early” explained Abaris the Hyperborean, oracle and soothsayer, expert in all matters Dark Brandon.

“It is my belief that only after his dominating role in the debt ceiling standoff did Dark Brandon decide he could pull this power move as a signal to Republican leadership ahead of the budget battle.”

The bold move may have sent shockwaves among Washington insiders but publicly the Republican Party has scoffed at the notion. Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell down played the significance of such a demand while not providing a definitive Republican response.

“If the president wishes a virgin sacrifice, I do not see why he should demand it ahead of time. It should be earmarked in the budgetary agreement just like any other year.”

Meanwhile, house majority leader Kevin McCarthy has remained silent on the demand. Although leaving room for speculation Abaris believes this makes sense while McCarthy has a tough political tightrope to walk.

“Giving in to a virgin sacrifice too early would threaten McCarthy’s standing with the Freedom Caucus who has threatened his leadership position. Many in the freedom caucus believe they can blame any earthquakes and future volcanic eruptions on Dark Brandon and that their base will defend them. Meanwhile, McCarthy fears that not providing a virgin sacrifice may bring the full wrath of Dark Brandon on his leadership, a dangerous prospect when he was already roiled in the debt limit negotiations.”

Ted Cruz’s absence remains a mystery, but due to his love of fun in the sun vacations it has been speculated the senator may be in Bahamas or Puerto Rico. Authorities in Bahamas have weighed in.

“We cannot confirm any reports that Ted Cruz has come to the Bahamas” said secretary of tourism Erin Russell. “However, I can confirm that current Bahaman policy says if Ted Cruz is spotted, he will be tossed into the nearest active volcano.”