Republicans Admit Hunter’s Real Crime Is Being Too Well Endowed

Rep. Greene broadcasting her jealously on C-Span, as in this is real and the only edit made is the censored blocks.

Washington, DC – Ahead of the budget negotiations house Republicans came to an important conclusion. Hunter Biden’s real crime is being too well endowed. A statement was drafted clarifying the matter for all donors and constituents.

Kevin McCarthy explained the statement thusly, “many of our supporters were getting worried. Trump claimed in his America he could have Hunter executed for a late payment on taxes and that freaked out many of our donors, who are themselves delinquent on their taxes. Then we got him on a gun charge, possession of a gun when he had a prior drug charge. Unfortunately, that does not go well with our gun fetishists, who are the last backers we wish to anger. We could not even fall back on allegations that he may have paid prostitutes because once again our big money donors do not want that to be a crime for the rich. We hope this statement puts those concerns to rest. We are only going after him for the massive weapon found other than his gun, something our big money donors and proud gun toters are not worried about protecting.”

The statement itself is unnecessary as congress is not involved in the current prosecution of Hunter. The investigations have become problematic for Republicans as not going after any office holders underlines the lack of corruption on the Democratic side of the aisle. Additionally, investigations were often side tracked into irrelevant topics not related to politics.

“First, Republicans asked if Hunter Biden had anything to do with Trump impeaching himself over Ukraine,” said house minority leader Jeffrey Hakeem. “After finding nothing it got a little weird. They started asking his opinion on work out routines, what whiskeys were most manly, and if he had any strip club recommendations. The whole thing got a little embarrassing even before they asked questions on how to pick profile pictures for their dating apps. I started to think they were just jealous.”

Nancy Pelosi added in “a bunch of grown men fantasizing about the single life, when even Hunter knows he made mistakes not properly prioritizing his marriage, would normally just seem sad. Now it is significantly creepier when many wealthy Republicans have made perverse sexual fantasies out of the attack on my own husband.”

Nancy Pelosi referred to the attack on Paul Pelosi carried out by a hammer wielding qanon believer. Afterwards prominent conservative activist and Twitter owner Elon Musk came out and referred to the violent incident as merely homosexual fun.

“It was all fun and games,” said house Freedom Caucus member Paul Gosar, R-AZ. “Until Majorie Taylor Greene started gawking over nudes of Hunter Biden live on the floor of the house. When I saw her jaw drop as she broadcast live to C-Span uncensored pictures of Hunter’s genitals I knew it was time to go back to business. As unfortunate as the incident was, it gave us a break as it showed Hunter in possession of a massive gun not protected by the 2nd amendment.”

The incident on the house floor is not expected to make much of a splash and has been described by Biden as a distraction by a party unable to pass a budget. This statement did not stop ABC reporter John Parkinson from waiting outside the cemetery where the president visits the graves of his recently deceased son Beau as well as his first wife and daughter, Neilia and Naomi. From there John Parkinson screamed out “Mr. president, how do you feel about locking up you son for his massive gun?*”

*This reporter actually did shout at the president over his son while he visited the grave of his family members. ABC should remove him in the name of journalistic decency.