Trump to Legalize Crime

Washington D.C. – As media decides whether to cover the things Trump does, or not, one issue became abundantly clear for the whole world to see. From a pedophile attorney general, to a leader of the military banned from the army, to the attorneys keeping Trump from paying consequences, Trump has announced his plan to legalize crime, at least for those who can afford it.

“Too often people and companies are unfairly targeted for no other reason than they break the law. Look at my friend Matt Gaetz,” said Trump. “He was maligned for having sex with minors, even though he is wealthy and paid their handlers very well. How can Americans go about their day-to-day life if they are constantly worrying that committing crimes could put them in jail?”

The policy of legalized crime was backed by many of Trump’s closest supporters.

“I am the richest man in the world” bragged Elon Musk. “But could you image how much richer I would be if I could commit more crimes? Government rules and regulations held me back from building that space harem I always wanted. But not anymore!”

Although some fiscally conservative Republicans worried about the effect on the economy, they have been silent on the matter. Doug Burgum (R-ND) had this to say.

“I was worried the legalization of crime could become a drag on our budget. However, I was assured by Trump that we will have the largest prison population we can have. The most private prison industries money can buy, and the most militarized police. As a fiscal conservative that spending is all I ask for.”