White House Press Corps Nervous as Dark Brandon Obtains 5th Dark Orb
Although unconfirmed, rumors Dark Brandon has obtained the 5th dark orb sent fear across the nation’s capital. No group is more devasted by this news than the White House Press Corps.
“Dark Brandon has run the White House Press Briefings like a tyrant forcing us to listen to his lectures on boring debt limit debates, progressive tax policy, and rolling out his green energy initiatives across the country” said CNN anchor Dave Bradley. “It was not always like this. Not long ago we had a president who would go to Twitter to ask the nation to find sex tapes of Alicia Machado or brag about the size of his button to North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. Those were stories Americans could sink their teeth into.”
CNN was not alone as MSNBC Melissa Baker echoed similar statements. “Last year when Dark Brandon called Peter Doocy a ‘stupid son of a bitch’ Doocy was unable to speak for three weeks. Not just because of the deep humiliation he must have felt but because the plate of tranquility magically appeared over his face muting everything he attempted to say.”
The incident referring to a Fox News journalist silenced by the dark lord. Peter Doocy only regained his voice after White House secretary Jen Psaki took pity on him and used her Pentacle of Persephone to remove the mystical plate.
“And that happened when Dark Brandon only had four dark orbs, we can only imagine what powers he will obtain with five” continued Mrs. Reid.
The White House Press Corps has seen a sharp decline in interest as part the transition away from Trump. The group has often tried to derail the presidential press briefing into subjects away from running the government to issues the nation might find more exciting.
“But what can you do? Sure, in the old days you might be able to cut a president off from a discussion on EV charging stations to ask if his son or wife would release nudes” said Eric Anderson. “But that was in the days when a president only had two dark orbs max. With five dark orbs you cannot even joke about him tripping over a sandbag for more than two minutes. How can we expect to make news under these conditions?”
“I tried to humor him by engaging his stories” reported Daphne Fermin. “During the debt ceiling crisis, I asked the dark lord if he would consider passing the Republican bill. He asked me to repeat aloud what was in the bill. Shit, did he expect me to actually read something so boring?”
It is unsure how Dark Brandon may have obtained the 5th dark orb but some point to the battle between the dark lord and Ticketmaster. The popular ticket sales company recently handed the president a win promising to put all fees and accurate ticket pricing up front, eliminating hidden fees.
“The president of the United States taking on a ticket sales company for consumer advocacy is suspicious to me” said occult specialist Neville Crowley. “It is my belief the real battle was Dark Brandon demanding Ticketmaster surrender its dark orb. The removal of the junk fees was just icing on the cake, meant as a demonstration of power to all who oppose him.”
Those who fear Dark Brandon’s ascent from the Ticketmaster battle may have little to worry about. Public opinions polls show the president is unlikely to make popular gains as concert goers have reported ‘being too high to remember what fees may have been added to their tickets.’ This does little to soothe the fears of the White Press Corps tormented by Dark Brandon’s influence.
“When Trump was president people checked into the news constantly” said CNN correspondent Amy Henderson. “They wanted to know if we were at war with any hostile Democracies, which dictatorships we were supporting this week, what city we would consider burning down, and if we should inject cleaning chemicals into our veins. Now the president wants America to care if we can pay social security during a default? That’s not why I became a political journalist.”
