The Seahorse Shoe
Your Only Source of Aquatic Non-Erotic Fake News
If you are Black in Today’s Republican Party You Have to be Twice the Psychopath as Your White Counterparts to get Any Attention -Tim Scott
I am your run of the mill Republican. Trump’s tax cuts are my bread and butter, I am willing to blame immigrants for everything, pardon any violent right wing criminal Trump wants, claim I can snap my finger to make inflation disappear, and make pregnant women property of the state. So why can’t I get any attention?
Thoughts and Prayers Nominated as Speaker of the House
“When the house cannot pass a budget, Republicans will not be able to pray away the shutdown like we pray away school shootings” said Mitt Romney, critical of the idea.
Rep. Patrick McHenry Seizes Stuffed Bunny and Family Photos from Nancy Pelosi’s Office. Says if She Wants to See Them Again, She Must Negotiate on Ukraine
“I gave Nancy Pelosi a warning several hours ahead of time. It so happened that she was in San Francisco to attend the funeral of her dear and long-time friend Dianne Feinstein. Well fine, that is a decision she made and now she has to own up to the consequences of me taking her most valued office possessions. However, I am not a total ogre, I have two daughters myself and am willing to be lenient. I have the picture of her husband and kids she left on her desk, along with her granddaughter’s stuffed bunny. If Nancy Pelosi wants to see these again, she must negotiate on Ukraine.”
First President to Visit a War Zone and a Picket Line Considered Too Bland for Americans
“This whole bragging about a labor renaissance, or a more equal society with bondless optimism is not fitting of our time. It feels very ‘yes we can’ which is so 2008, so Barack Obama. It does not fit with our moment, especially when no one knows where Joe was or what Joe was doing during the Obama years.” -Political Correspondent Mildred Denison.
Sen. Bob Menendez Caught Taking Bribe Despite Not Being a Supreme Court Justice
“Bob Menendez has been found with gold bars stuffed into hidden suit jackets and large quantities of cash hidden around the house. Who the fuck does he think he is? A member of the supreme court, an ex-president, or a Twitter influencer?” -Kevin McCarthy
If we Come Together, Cooperate, and Get Along Then We Can Burn This Mother to the Ground! – Kevin McCarthy
I have a very simple message to those in the freedom caucus, one of unity, one of a better future, one of hope. That message is that if we come together, cooperate, and get along, then we can burn this mother to the ground!
Ted Cruz Mysteriously Missing As Dark Brandon Demands Virgin Sacrifice
“In today’s political environment it is not surprising that Dark Lord Brandon may have made such a demand. What is surprising is that he has called on the Republican Party to provide the virgin sacrifice. This shows a level of confidence that Dark Brandon would not have exhibited one year early” explained Abaris the Hyperborean, oracle and soothsayer, expert in all matters Dark Brandon.
Republicans Admit Hunter’s Real Crime Is Being Too Well Endowed
“It was all fun and games, until Majorie Taylor Greene started gawking over nudes of Hunter Biden live on the floor of the house” said Paul Gosar R-AZ.
Joe Biden’s Success at G-20 Summit is a Sign he is Too Old for the Job
“Pulling all-nighters to expand our international relationships for the sake of peace and stability is not a job for an 80-year-old man” said Peter Doocy of Fox News. “Joe Biden successfully did all of that, which is a sure-fire demonstration of the fact he is too old for the job.”
No One Would Know I Committed A War Crime If I Did Not Feel the Need To Brag About It -Elon Musk
The Russians were innocent bystanders who had invaded a country completely unaware there might be combat. Did those Ukrainians act like gentlemen, surrender to the warrior race, and line up to be genocided in a peaceful fashion as Putin had ordered? No, they shot at these poor unsuspecting and often undefended invaders who were merely trying to replace the inhabitants of Ukraine with their own.
Republican Outreach to Black Voters Claims Trump is a Criminal Too
“Election after election the Republican Party has been unable to connect with black voters. With Trump’s arrest we can say we are criminals too, just like you!”
After Hurricane, Putin Tells America to Send Their Javelins and Kamikaze Drones to Florida
“Weapons no good here, Ukrainians should leave blowing up of kremlin officials to us. Ukrainians not know how or when to blow up kremlin officials. Kremlin officials blow up just fine without Ukrainians” read the statement from Moscow.
In Attempt To Disrupt Primary Vivek Ramaswamy Attacks Vivek Ramaswamy
“Vivek Ramaswamy is a lying two faced scoundrel who will say and do anything for your vote. He needs to be taken down a notch before he can be trusted to lead the party of Trump and there is no man better suited to do the task than me” said Vivek Ramaswamy.
Trump Wants to Eliminate Democracy, Create War in our Borders, and Closet My Niece but Joe Biden is Old
On one side we have an authoritarian who has discussed eliminating large parts of the judiciary, centralizing power in himself, and forcing all gays and transexuals into the closet. On the other side of the aisle, we have an 81-year-old man. How am I to decide between these two?
Unseen Specter of Dark Brandon Declared Winner of Republican Debate
“As Americans we are so pathetic, so bad, so terrible that as a nation that we must stop helping Ukraine, we must sell Taiwan to China, and we must invade Mexico” yelled DeSantis.
New Republican Loyalty Pledge Says if Candidate Wins Nomination They Will Drop Out For Trump
“I want all Republicans to know that no matter who signed it first there is no one more willing to publicly fellate Donald Trump than myself” said Vivek Ramaswamy as he signed the pledge.
Hell is Being an AI Recreation of Henry David Thoreau Teaching Transcendentalism to Teenagers
‘Ralph Waldo Emerson is twice as helpful at answering questions with none of the attitude’ they say. Well maybe the teachers and parents should send their kids to Ralph Waldo Emerson then.
I thought I was Clarence Thomas’ Only Secret Sugar Daddy, Turns out He Has 26 More -Opinion
The moment on the cruise when he took me below the deck, stroked my hand and tenderly whispered into my ear the phrase every average Joe billionaire wishes to hear: “you don’t need to worry about those meanie OSHA regulators anymore, I have taken care of it, just for you?”
In Attempt to Reach Middle Ground Forward Party Suggests Jews be Allowed to Exist If They Do Not Own Media
“The left wants Jews to live freely, while the right wants to eliminate Judaism. So, a compromise should be made.”
White House Press Corps Nervous as Dark Brandon Obtains 5th Dark Orb
It is unsure how Dark Brandon may have obtained the 5th dark orb but some point to the battle between the dark lord and Ticketmaster. The popular ticket sales company recently handed the president a win promising to put all fees and accurate ticket pricing up front, eliminating hidden fees.