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Your Only Source of Aquatic Non-Erotic Fake News
The candidates stand in stark contrast on the issues, Harris defending universal healthcare, and a woman’s right to choose, while Trump says abortions should only be legal for “eights and above.”
Alito explained “when Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, there was so much respect for public officials that the man shot in the face apologized to him. Now, our social contract is so heavily eroded that I cannot even accept a trip on Lord Putin’s private yacht without the media asking a million questions.”
“Democrats appear to be wasting their time campaigning and talking to voters when they could simply find some D-leaning pollsters to flood the market and influence the aggregates. This should be deeply concerning for Harris supporters” specified Nate Silvers.
The Antichrist is a demanding job and many evangelists are now asking if Trump is up to the task. Republicans need someone who young Christians can look up to and say “yes, that is someone I can sell my soul to.”
“He should smile more” said a beaming Kamala Harris. “He travels by private jet, won the Donald Trump golf trophy this year, and was the guest of honor in his January 6th fundraising gala. Yet all we see him do is scowl. You get more flies with honey than vinegar.”
“I am really angry at the left-wing media distorting my image as someone who hates all women. This could not be further from the truth; I only hate most women,” said Vance.
Not a lot of people know how to program a Stephanopoulos bot, and as such he is still sitting down in interviews non-stop asking if Joe Biden will resign. Meanwhile, Americans are doing the dangerous thing of going to social media and listening to live speeches of the nominee giving her unfiltered views.
“It’s a joke! They think SHE’S doing a genocide? I’m the one who’s best friends with Bibi! I’m the one who’s gonna make Gaza look like it did in Lawrence of Arabia.”
“It is time for America to see how a real man grovels to a dictator,” said Donald Trump. “If I were president, I would give Brittney Griner, Evan Gershkovich and Paul Whelan back to Putin so America can see this deal done right. None of these wishy-washy alliances with European countries
The Washington Post stepped up for Trump with hard hitting articles like “the Democrats are united, why this is bad for Harris,” “Kamala Harris smiles too much, why this is off putting,” and “why having daughters does not make Kamala a mother.” Yet these efforts have not daunted Harris’ energetic campaign for the president and subsequent rise in the polls.
“Liberals will accuse me of being a wimpy little sissy with a humiliation fetish for letting Trump abuse my religion so blatantly” said televangelist Wally Wahlberg. “That outrageous behavior from the left is exactly why I will have to do everything in my power to punish them no matter how far it causes me to stray from the teachings of Jesus.”
“The Republican motto has been it is better to be a criminal than to be old. Having 34 felony convictions is what helped Trump look juvenile compared to Joe Biden.”
“This is exactly the type of hold no prisoners fuck you attitude that we love so much, brought to a whole new level” said vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance. “As an ivy league hillbilly from San Francisco this is exactly how I would poke the eye of the elites!”
Dark-Brandon
“Most strikingly Biden is down a full 17 points to a Nikki Haley who is pro-choice, pro-union, and understands the civil war” said pollster Dave Hanna. “Sure, that candidate only exists in the mind of the voters but it should worry Democrats how easily the presidency could be taken from them.”
“In today’s political environment it is not surprising that Dark Lord Brandon may have made such a demand. What is surprising is that he has called on the Republican Party to provide the virgin sacrifice. This shows a level of confidence that Dark Brandon would not have exhibited one year early” explained Abaris the Hyperborean, oracle and soothsayer, expert in all matters Dark Brandon.
“Pulling all-nighters to expand our international relationships for the sake of peace and stability is not a job for an 80-year-old man” said Peter Doocy of Fox News. “Joe Biden successfully did all of that, which is a sure-fire demonstration of the fact he is too old for the job.”
“As Americans we are so pathetic, so bad, so terrible that as a nation that we must stop helping Ukraine, we must sell Taiwan to China, and we must invade Mexico” yelled DeSantis.
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Be cautious of profiles that feature American flag emojis, military-style buzzcuts, and truck nuts.
“This whole bragging about a labor renaissance, or a more equal society with bondless optimism is not fitting of our time. It feels very ‘yes we can’ which is so 2008, so Barack Obama. It does not fit with our moment, especially when no one knows where Joe was or what Joe was doing during the Obama years.” -Political Correspondent Mildred Denison.
“It was all fun and games, until Majorie Taylor Greene started gawking over nudes of Hunter Biden live on the floor of the house” said Paul Gosar R-AZ.
It is unsure how Dark Brandon may have obtained the 5th dark orb but some point to the battle between the dark lord and Ticketmaster. The popular ticket sales company recently handed the president a win promising to put all fees and accurate ticket pricing up front, eliminating hidden fees.