The Seahorse Shoe

The candidates stand in stark contrast on the issues, Harris defending universal healthcare, and a woman’s right to choose, while Trump says abortions should only be legal for “eights and above.”

Alito explained “when Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, there was so much respect for public officials that the man shot in the face apologized to him. Now, our social contract is so heavily eroded that I cannot even accept a trip on Lord Putin’s private yacht without the media asking a million questions.”

The Antichrist is a demanding job and many evangelists are now asking if Trump is up to the task. Republicans need someone who young Christians can look up to and say “yes, that is someone I can sell my soul to.”

“I am really angry at the left-wing media distorting my image as someone who hates all women. This could not be further from the truth; I only hate most women,” said Vance.

Not a lot of people know how to program a Stephanopoulos bot, and as such he is still sitting down in interviews non-stop asking if Joe Biden will resign. Meanwhile, Americans are doing the dangerous thing of going to social media and listening to live speeches of the nominee giving her unfiltered views.

“It’s a joke! They think SHE’S doing a genocide? I’m the one who’s best friends with Bibi! I’m the one who’s gonna make Gaza look like it did in Lawrence of Arabia.”

“It is time for America to see how a real man grovels to a dictator,” said Donald Trump. “If I were president, I would give Brittney Griner, Evan Gershkovich and Paul Whelan back to Putin so America can see this deal done right. None of these wishy-washy alliances with European countries

The Washington Post stepped up for Trump with hard hitting articles like “the Democrats are united, why this is bad for Harris,” “Kamala Harris smiles too much, why this is off putting,” and “why having daughters does not make Kamala a mother.” Yet these efforts have not daunted Harris’ energetic campaign for the president and subsequent rise in the polls.

“Liberals will accuse me of being a wimpy little sissy with a humiliation fetish for letting Trump abuse my religion so blatantly” said televangelist Wally Wahlberg. “That outrageous behavior from the left is exactly why I will have to do everything in my power to punish them no matter how far it causes me to stray from the teachings of Jesus.”

“The Republican motto has been it is better to be a criminal than to be old. Having 34 felony convictions is what helped Trump look juvenile compared to Joe Biden.”

“This is exactly the type of hold no prisoners fuck you attitude that we love so much, brought to a whole new level” said vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance. “As an ivy league hillbilly from San Francisco this is exactly how I would poke the eye of the elites!”