The Seahorse Shoe

“He was so ball less I would come to his office just to fart and he took it. And I am not talking little girlie farts like my opponent sleepy Joe Biden. I am talking manly farts, so bad not even Melania could handle them.”

I let Joey handle my charity for kids with cancer and under him it ran so efficiently that we never paid a dime to children with cancer. That is the kind of accounting I can bring to the United States of America.

“I’ve been deeply concerned about recent accusations of impartiality,” said Roberts, while holding a Trump-branded lighter beneath a copy of the US Constitution.  “We need the American people to know exactly where we stand.  And that’s directly on their faces, while stomping.”

“To be a fair and balanced journalist we cannot cover war or international news when there is a salacious story of an 81-year-old man who still shows up to his boring, administrative government job right here in our very own country.”

But despite most voters making peace with the GOP’s costly cock infatuation, the Hunter Biden penis-probe marks a surprising shift towards the penises of Democratic family members.

‘Real’ Wisconsinites appreciate his passion, and are far more concerned about ‘real’ issues.

“He always tried to go knuckle-deep when the rule was just the tip. As we are all heterosexual men, myself and other GOP members did not appreciate this very much.”

This situation came as some surprise as the investigation has already gone on extra months, producing 820 hours of congressional testimony, 40,000 pages of reports, and spawned at least 37 Republican Only Fans accounts. Despite this, no indictment has been announced.

“My old body cannot bear the thought of having another hangover,” Alito began. “I have been on so many free vacations this year that I just need a break!”