The Seahorse Shoe
Your Only Source of Aquatic Non-Erotic Fake News
Why Air Dropping Food to Palestine is Genocide
Do you really think Genocide Joe would be a kind and generous man making the world a better place if he did not need your votes? Yet neoliberal shills are falling for this performative politics all the time.
Supreme Court Officially Kicks Off Campaign to Re-Elect Trump
“I’ve been deeply concerned about recent accusations of impartiality,” said Roberts, while holding a Trump-branded lighter beneath a copy of the US Constitution. “We need the American people to know exactly where we stand. And that’s directly on their faces, while stomping.”
NYTimes Deploys 127 Journalists to Cover Joe Biden’s Age
“To be a fair and balanced journalist we cannot cover war or international news when there is a salacious story of an 81-year-old man who still shows up to his boring, administrative government job right here in our very own country.”
New Poll Shows Biden Leading Trump but Trailing 17 Fictional Candidates
“Most strikingly Biden is down a full 17 points to a Nikki Haley who is pro-choice, pro-union, and understands the civil war” said pollster Dave Hanna. “Sure, that candidate only exists in the mind of the voters but it should worry Democrats how easily the presidency could be taken from them.”
Before Hunter: A History of Republican Penis-Probes
But despite most voters making peace with the GOP’s costly cock infatuation, the Hunter Biden penis-probe marks a surprising shift towards the penises of Democratic family members.
Swing State Republican Decapitates Veteran, Eats Baby, Remains Tied in Polls
‘Real’ Wisconsinites appreciate his passion, and are far more concerned about ‘real’ issues.
George Santos Expelled for “Unchristianlike” Behavior at GOP Orgy
“He always tried to go knuckle-deep when the rule was just the tip. As we are all heterosexual men, myself and other GOP members did not appreciate this very much.”
Congress Refuses to Testify In Front of Hunter Biden
This situation came as some surprise as the investigation has already gone on extra months, producing 820 hours of congressional testimony, 40,000 pages of reports, and spawned at least 37 Republican Only Fans accounts. Despite this, no indictment has been announced.
“We Never Would Have Demanded a Ceasefire if We Knew Biden Could Achieve it” Confesses News Anchor
It has become a dark week for news media as positive stories have overwhelmed current events, leaving anchors stranded as they devise strategies on how to avoid positive coverage. Most fundamental has been the release of hostages in Gaza as part of a ceasefire agreement between Hamas and Israel.
Chicago Voted ‘Worst City’ by City-Haters Monthly
“I’ll always have nostalgia-hate for the Pacific Northwest,” wrote another hate-filled user in the City-Haters comment section. “[B]ut the hate-tingle I get from pics of sunsets over the Chicago River, or like a pair of seagulls quietly soaring through the downtown Loop… I am not kidding you – it literally causes me to vomit.”
Now That They’ve Had Their Fun, Conservative SCOTUS Justices Agree to Ethics Code… for Winter Break
“My old body cannot bear the thought of having another hangover,” Alito began. “I have been on so many free vacations this year that I just need a break!”
Elections Found to be Poor Predictors of Polls
In a disturbing trend for news agencies everywhere, recent election data has found that elections are increasingly unable to predict polling trends across the nation.
It Is Time To Pull a Bush and Invade a Country at Random
Not only did no one believe Trump could write an “op-ed” piece, but now Lebanon, Iran, Gaza, and Israel are all on notice because no one can comprehend the article well enough to know who he wants to attack.
Speaker Mike Johnson Demonstrates Commitment To Investigating Hunter's Johnson
“Seeing the photos of Hunter’s meaty, girthy, perfectly huge cock made me absolutely disgusted.”
Recent Mass Shooting Great Viral Advertisement for Smith & Wesson
A study from the Advanced Law Enforcement Rapid Response Team (ALERT) found 3% of mass shootings were stopped by a good guy with a gun. However, when looking at mass shooting stopped by someone wielding a Smith & Wesson assault rifle, those numbers dropped to less than 1%.
Opposing Election Rights Added to Republican Platform
“For too long we have lived under the tyranny of democratically elected officials ruling over us,” claimed Mike Johnson.
Democrats Unanimously Divided on Not Voting for a Republican to Savage Their Agenda
Kevin McCarthy said “I went to the Democrats and said ‘look, I know I am not your friend. I spent the weekend calling all of you groomers, and communists while reneging on my last promise. I will be honest; I hate you guys, will offer no concessions, and would let the Jan. 6th rioters slit your throat in a heartbeat, but you better vote for me. They voted for Hakeem Jeffries. How could Democrats divide our nation like that?”
Bigfoot Reemerges to Regain Stolen Identity From George Santos
“George Santos tries to claim Kitara Ravache was never really a thing, but I would recognize that smug face and interest in spare US social security numbers anywhere; I mean he was my Dragmother.”
Out of Touch President More Interested in Drug Price Negotiation Than Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour
The exasperated White House Press Corps expressed dismay at president Joe Biden as they continued their attempts at white house coverage. The scene turned dismal Monday as president Biden turned to discuss his program for drug price negotiation, instead of more exciting topic such as Taylor Swift’s hit weekend release of the movie Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour.
Tinder Suggests Checking if Your Match is a GOP Member of Congress Before Going on First Date
Be cautious of profiles that feature American flag emojis, military-style buzzcuts, and truck nuts.